
In addition to talking with my friend, who had also gotten me involved in practicing Yoga and suggested meditation, and reading around two dozen library books, I investigated an online course in Buddhism, offered by A.C.I. It was free by download, and I decided to work my way through the various classes, hoping that it would answer all my questions by the end. (I am currently working my way through course #2.)
The reading material had somewhat confused, if interested, me. Some books that I read were by modern thinking authors and I could not understand these as easily as those which I should not have related to, such as the Tibetan and Thai styles. Additionally, I joined a few online groups, not finding any local activity at this time.
I attended a Buddha's Birthday celebration in Mac Cabe Park during 2007, at a time when I was experiencing extreme financial difficulty and attempting to stay calm and centered throughout the troubles, learning patience. I was not entirely sure what was going on, but spending several hours in the company of other Buddhists was a step towards recognizing the possibility of becoming a Buddhist myself. However, I was uncertain at the time what it involved to declare myself so. I surely felt more akin than the average passer by, at least. I would have liked to have spoken to one of the nuns, but did not dare.
Several pieces from several books that I had been reading fell into place, and I realized that Buddhism was becoming more than merely an interesting philosophy with a few particles I could actually practice. By the time I was reading the autobiography of Acariya Mun (which is available as a free e-book from www.forestdhammabooks.com) changes were happening in my own life that related to Buddhism. I was not just looking at, but learning from, and participating in, Buddhism. After reading of kilesa eradication in the chapters of this book before going to bed, an amazing thing happened. In the morning, I woke to find myself free of both hatred and anger. My head was completely empty of both negativities. It was as though I had been given a sample of the result of Buddhist practice, for being so determined to study the subject. I was by now spending several hours a day reading, meditating, contemplating, and studying the A.C.I. classes.
Things were leading me towards Buddhism. The major hurdle I had complained about, of being unable to stop hating my enemy, had fallen away. I could now see him as an unfortunate being who had mistakenly thought it right to punish me, rather than as a chunk of evil in human form that must be avoided and escaped from by hiding behind a barrier of fierce hatred. Vulnerable without that blockade, I turned to the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha for protection, with both faith and hope. I remain aware that what my enemy does is wrong, but seeing that his deeds and his inner being are not the same, allows me to forgive him. I can finally say that I hate no one, after almost twenty years of hating for the damage my enemy causes to my family, pets and life. Instead of wishing he spend 1000 rebirths in spider form and be quickly eradicated in them all, I can wish him well - but wish him away, for I still do not feel compatible with his deeds, or willing to let him back into our life.
I realized at this point that it would be a natural thing to call myself a Buddhist, for I actually had taken refuge. Buddhism really seemed to work, and I was ready to commit myself to continue to learn and practice for the remainder of my lives. Having dropped hatred, I turned towards Buddhism to protect me from that which hatred previously had.